I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
