1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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