he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
