Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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