Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
