I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
