I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
