life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
whose ass print is on the piano?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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