thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
