did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
