She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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