Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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