now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
