this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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