I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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