When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
