I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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