Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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