My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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