no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
