You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
