he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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