I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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