i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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