I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
