So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
