I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
