wanna go halves on a baby?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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