I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
