Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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