I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
