Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
