omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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