You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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