I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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