my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
