She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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