Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
