I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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