Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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