If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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