Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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