Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
