I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
17 year olds will be the death of me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
