is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
