woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
