So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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