Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
