I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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