My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
