I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
